“I don’t want to become my label and use my neurodivergence as an excuse”

You might worry that getting an autism or ADHD diagnosis will turn you into one of those people who now hide behind the label and blame everything on it, not taking accountability and using it as an excuse for rude behaviour.

Ironically, the mere fact that you are worried about this means you are not that person. 🙂

Let’s get this straight: knowing about your neurodivergent needs and requesting adjustments and allowances is NOT using your diagnosis as an excuse.

The main purpose of knowing what you need is to do your best in giving yourself the accommodations that help you live your life.

You can and should use your diagnosis as a key to more self-awareness and figuring out what you need from a life you feel comfortable and happy in. And this is not in any way making excuses for yourself.

Gaining clarity on how you work and what you need can help you unpick years of shame and blame. You can finally find the comfortable, kind middle ground between not doing anything differently or motivating yourself with force, all while feeling guilty for not being something else.

The neurodivergent self-discovery will help you advocate for yourself by knowing exactly what you need, and it will be easier to find people who understand you.

It is not a weakness or improper to ask for adjustments. But if you are still worried you are being a bad person for doing so, here’s a little test you can do right now. Tell me if you can spot the difference between these two people.

Test: Who is using their neurodivergence as an excuse?

Which person do you think is using their neurodivergence to hide behind?

So, which one do you think is being a bad friend?

Reading Person A’s statements might feel uncomfortable because they are expressing their needs and enforcing boundaries.

For people who grew up being taught to ignore their feelings and needs, who learned that being a “good” kid meant not asking for anything, who always forced themselves into activities that hurt them just to please others, Person A’s boundary setting might feel rude.

However, Person B is the actual a$$hole of the two.

Still, you might have found it uncomfortable to read Person A’s statements. You might have thought they are asking for too much or are being difficult, causing problems instead of solving them on their own. That’s the internalised ableism talking.

But let’s look at the statements a bit closer. What is actually happening?

What they are doing differently is not asking or not asking for accommodations, but how self-aware they are in doing so.

Asking for what you need (a quiet space, some time alone, breaks, reminders, or clarity in communication) is not the same as demanding that others tolerate disrespect or harm. Person A is practising self-care. Person B is manipulative.

And if you are still not convinced that you can ask for something and not be rude, let me pass down this ancient wisdom to you:

By definition, if you are anxious about whether your requests were rude, too much, or try to figure out how to do things better next time, you cannot be an a$$shole.

You are allowed to take up space, exist, ask for adjustments and use strategies that help you be your happiest self.

Asking for adjustments is not using your neurodivergence as an excuse

So please, go ahead and work on figuring out what would make your life easier, safer and more comfortable. It is very important, and you are worthy of asking for it. And remember: if you worry that you are “too much”, it just shows that you are being thoughtful, and a$$holes are not thoughtful. 🙂