Impulsive decisions can make us feel powerless. Even if we ignore the possible negative consequences of the decisions, simply feeling that we did something we couldn’t notice “in time” or catch while it was happening can be very vulnerable and disempowering. After the fact, it sometimes feels obvious – ‘duh, this was silly; I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have done this.‘
But where was this thought while we were doing it? Impulsive decisions are made because our brain’s response inhibition centre works a little too fast for its own good. Which, on good days, can help us think on our feet, make quick pivots and be spontaneous and fun! On bad days, it can lead to blurting out unkind thoughts, purchasing things that seemed like a good idea at the moment, or saying YES to experiences that make us question everything afterwards.
Naturally, you want to understand more of what is happening and why, and how to stop them from causing chaos and confusion in your life. The key is not to eradicate all impulse forever, but to install some check-points so you can actually have a decision-point before moving forward, instead of being yanked with the flow.
What happens before?
Luckily, some signs precede an impulsive action in the making, so while you might not be able to stop the train after it has already left the station, you could notice these signs and cause some delays. Just enough to give yourself time to pause, stop, or happily move forward with the action. (Yes, this is also still an option!)
Somatic markers (physical sensations) that can be signs for more impulsive decisions about to happen include increased heart rate, increased restlessness, tense muscles, but also thoughts that seem to be hyperfocusing on possible outcomes, racing thoughts, heightened excitement, and even frustration or a sense of urgency. You might also notice you become more fidgety, start to speak faster, or feel more impatient than usual.
Noticing these markers requires practice because interoception differences can also cause some difficulty in cultivating this awareness, but it is not impossible.
Stressful events, anxiety, or feeling pressured, panicky or overwhelmed can also contribute to more impulsive actions.
Noticing your own little bouquet of somatic markers and other stressors is useful even if the impulsive decision has already happened — put on your investigator hat and try to explore what happened right before the “incident”.
Installing checkpoints
Sometimes, noticing the signs and being aware of what is happening can be enough to divert you from the path to impulsiveness. The point is, if you can preempt the decision for enough time to actually consent to the action (“Hey, do we really want this? Is this really what is best for us?“). This way, you can lessen the guilt that comes afterwards.
The key is to be an active participant, and not someone being dragged along – this is going to give you back a sense of control. You can still say yes, just know why you said it, and be aware of the context, consequences, and other options.
Here are a few ideas you can try to add some delay when you notice your signs.
- Use pre-planned responses or scripts created during calmer, more focused moments. Having “if-this-then-that” protocols ready that you’ve thought through when your brain wasn’t in hyperspeed mode.
- Redirect the energy rather than trying to stop it completely. Instead of buying the thing right now, redirect that shopping energy into researching it, reading reviews, or creating a wishlist. You don’t fight the impulse; you just redirect the energy. Or, you can write the angry, cursing e-mail, but maybe in the notes app, where you cannot accidentally send it immediately. 🙂
- Capture the impulse so it doesn’t feel lost or ignored. Sometimes, we blurt out replies or answers because we fear that by the time it is our turn, we will forget them. (High five, working memory problems!) It can help if you jot down your points instead of blurting them out. This way, the thought or impulse gets acknowledged and preserved, just not acted on immediately. Keep a handy notebook with you (I know you have a million of them waiting for their calling!), and capture everything. Who knows, there might be some gold in there — ideas for gifts, creative pursuits, etc. But at least you have given yourself time, while they are now on paper, instead of doing their little ruminative loops in your head.
- Change your physical state when you notice your warning signs. Step away, go to a different room, or stand up from the computer. It also helps if you take a sensory break when routine gets disrupted, or do some physical movement to change your internal state.
- Use physical anchors or gestures. You can devise physical cues for yourself that help you notice that this is a time for pause. Put your palm up to remind yourself to wait, or turn your back to the screen. Place a tiny plush frog on your phone, so it guards it while you think. Repeat a sentence that helps you divert your attention, count to five. You can use any predetermined physical cue you’ve practised.
- Create predetermined delays. If it works for you, you can use predetermined delays or cooling-off periods. This means you are not forcing yourself to stop, but give yourself a timeline and promise to yourself that you can come back to this thing when the time is up. It is way more permissive than just telling yourself NO or STOP. It can look like taking a photo of something you want to buy and then waiting 24 hours.
- Name what you’re experiencing. Ask “What am I feeling right now?” or just note the physical sensations without trying to change them. Sometimes just mapping out what you are experiencing can bring a sense of context and understanding, and can disrupt the impulsive cycle by making the feelings more tangible instead of a jumbled mess.
Do your protocols in peace-time
Many of these protocols need some set-up, so make sure you’ve set up these in advance during calmer moments, and not in the heightened state of impulsivity.
You will also need to practice and test what cues and movements work best for you, but if you keep your detective hat on and approach with curiosity, this exploration can serve you well in the long run.
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